Aritarg Goes Shopping
How did Lilu and Kari make it out Alive?

written by Kari Muffin and Lilu

... Yes, we did take him shopping, yes the state is still here and so are we.

Once upon a time while drawing shrapes, Indy was busy, and Aritarg was eating Burger King's French Toast Sticks, because those are the foods of all evil deities. Sugar. Mmm. Inspiring dentists everywhere.

And then, Lilu and Kari bounced excessively into the room. "Hi Captain!" Lilu squeed, bouncing in circles around Kari, who was less likely to bounce, more likely to wander helplessly and be herded.

"Hello," Kari said happily, waving a hand in her red kimono. "What're you doing?" 

"Oh, hi guys," Captain Indy of the Flying Brigade said. She looked up from what she was working on. "Just drawing the new shrapes, the ones that are done, anyway." 

"EEE!!! SHARONA!!" Lilu gleed happily. 

"Mmmm..." Kari said smiling, "I can't wait. Hey, didn't you say you were going to get up early to work on them? That or we have different views of morning."

"Heh, things changed and I got distracted," she waved a hand at Aritarg.

"What the heck are those things?" Kari pointed to the french toast sticks. She was sheltered. Give her a break.

"Ewwww..." Lilu said, "French toast sticks--OH! Kari and I are going shopping today!" She bounced happily.

"Oh?" Indy said looking from Aritarg to the girls. Interesting. "Well, Aritarg has been hanging around the whole morning, do you want to take him out shopping with you?"

"Sure!" Lilu gleed.

Kari blinked as she was grabbed and herded out of the room.

Artitarg blinked. Wait? What?

"Come on Artitarg! Time to go shopping!" Lilu gleeded again.

The dragon deity stared blankly at Indy and then to Lilu. What? He didn't want to leave his French toast sticks alone!

***

"Isn't this a lovely day!" Lilu said happily behind the steering wheel.

"The mist is nice," Kari said.

"DRIVE FASTER MORTAL!"

"But the speed limit is 40!" Kari said looking to the back seat. The deity was almost nose to nose glaring.

"FASSSTER," he hissed.

Kari shook her head and went back to talking to Lilu. "So what have you been up to? Anything ... new that I haven't heard a million times?"

"Ummmm. Rewriting Mishka for the third time. That's all." She merged over to the passing lane to avoid a massive onslaught of oncoming traffic from the onramp. Click click click went Jenny's blinker. Jenny is of course, Lilu's jeep. She eats other cars while Kari and Lilu shop. Anyway.

Suddenly, from behind them, a teal green pickup came roaring up from behind. It slid into the slow lane, and then squeezed between Jenny and the car she was busy passing. 

"GAH! THE HELL DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE?!" Lilu shouted. She is prone to road rage while driving. She hit the brakes to avoid rear ending the car as it slid in front of her. Aritarg fell out of his seat and onto the floor.

"DRIVE MORE SMOOTHLY, MORTAL!"

"Some jerk just cut us off," Kari muttered.

"Cut... off?" Aritarg asked, not used to this phrase in a context where nothing was obviously severed or bleeding. 

"Yeah. Like. PUlled in front of us. Because he's a really really bad driver." She narrowed her eyes and shook her fist quietly at the departing car.

"OPEN THE SUNROOF!" Aritarg demanded.

"WHAT?" Lilu shouted, fighting to hold onto the wheel and keep the sunroof closed. "It's going to rain! I refuse to be wet in my car!"

"OPEN THE SUNROOF, MORTAL! OR PERISH!" He lunged a talon at the sunroof button. "NO ONE CUTS OFF ARITARG!!!" 

And then he was trying to squeeze six wings and four legs out a standard sunroof, which was difficult to fit Lilu on a good day. Lilu pushed a foot out of her face, and Kari tried to decide whether she should push the deity out or pull him back in. Against her better judgment, Kari pushed the deity out of the sunroof with all her might.

Aritarg practically flopped out, balancing on the roof for a few moments. He gained his balance and kicked off of the car roof, flapping towards the teal green pickup. Growling, hissing, and being generally nasty the dragon landed on the hood of the car with a sickening crunch. The person in the car didn't have a chance.

There was a scream, the crunch of metal, and the sound of screeching breaks.

Lilu looked at Kari who returned her gaze. That wasn't pretty but they could... drive around? Kari opened her door and called to Aritarg. "Can we please just leave the poor man in agony, and go to the mall?"

The dragon blinked. "Mortal, may I get Cini-minis?"

"We might stop off at a Buger King if you play nice."

"Interessssting." He said while making his way into the back seat.

***

Kari blinked, "Wow. It hurts every time I come here." The floors were sparkling marble, with a small red strip near the edges. The mall used to have brown tiles with red bits, something that wasn't so painful on the eyes. In fact, it was something that both Lilu and Kari wanted to set on fire.

"SSSSET IT ON FIRE!"

And so did Aritarg.

"Can we buy things first?" Lilu asked, but really she was ordering. She began to walk along the thin red strip towards the gaming store.

"Yes!" Kari said chasing after her.

Aritarg stomped after them, all the while his talons clacking on the tile floor. Hisss. All of the clerks and passerbys were running away to avoid him. He smirked, so most humans were not dumb as bricks. He smirked and hissed at the passing news stand employ, who ran away screaming.

Kari squeed from inside the gaming store. DEATHDEATHDEATHANDDDRFORLILU. Who had apparently wandered off to Orange Julius.

Both sets of clerks were impossibly slow, and Kari was actually done buying her game in ten minutes, before she and Aritarg wandered back over to join her. Lilu was waiting boredly for the Orange Juliuses, and smiled congenially finally when they came while mentally wanting to smack the cute little old man who made them.

"They only had enough stuffs for two of them," she told Kari and Aritarg. "We'll have to share."

"Share...?" Aritarg asked, staring at her as if she had lost her head but was still wandering around alive. 

Lilu blinked at him, and then crouched down in front of him. She adopted her 'you are a small child and I am explaining' voice. "we will all take turns drinking the Orange Juliuses, and then everyone gets the same amount. It's the nice thing to do."

"Nice?" Aritarg continued to stare. 

Lilu smiled at him, tapped a finger lightly on his muzzle, and then stood up. 

Aritarg blinked. Did she just...? HOWDARESHENOONETOUCHESARITARGCUTELYANDLIVES!!! "I have a better idea, mortal," he told her. "You and the mortal share, and I drink Orange Julius for myself." 

Lilu considered this a moment. "Now, that wouldn't really be sharing, would it? You would get more than we would."

"Exactly." 

"Well then, we can't do that. You agree to share, or you don't get any Orange Julius."

"Uh, Lilu--" Kari started, thinking this was a Bad Idea.

"ARITARG SHARES WITH NO ONE!!" Except maybe the Dark Lady of Perfection herself, Carcassi, but shouting exceptions just sounded silly.

"Then Aritarg gets no Orange Julius." 

"THEN I WILL--" But Lilu wasn't listening. 

"Come on, Kari. Drink your Orange Julius." 

Kari blinked at her. "Uh, do you really think this is a good idea?"

"No. I'm gravely upsetting a deity. But it won't be the first time, will it?" She winked coyly, started walking away. Kari followed, looking back at Aritarg. Aritarg began trying to climb over the Orange Julius counter to slaughter the mortals who refused to make him Orange Juliuses.

"You kill the nice hindi men, then no cini-minis for you," Kari told him, keeping an eye on Lilu, who was again walking the thin red line of marble tile. This would probably be labeled as the bloodiest day in the history of the mall, on the bright side, they didn't have to pay for it. "Hey, Lilu, can we go to Fye?"

"I was planning to be good today."

"I think that's all ready been blown out of the water," Kari said as she passed by something that looked like a crate. "Was that a trash can or just trash?"

Lilu looked back, without stopping from tracing the red tiles, "A very ugly trash can."

"Wow, this mall has gone down hill since the last time I was here... or rather the last time I paid attention."

"Ah-uh," Lilu said while sipping her Orange Julius. They were now outside the front of Fye, Kari had already finished her snack and was looking for a trash can. "There's one down by Friendly's."

"Right," Kari said walking in that direction. Then she ran into a nasty gray flower pot that lacked flowers. She double took, wait, the flowerpot was a trash can? "Riiiiight." Kari said after tossing the paper cup into the vase.

"You mean the flower pot is a trash can?" Lilu asked, taking her time sipping on the Orange Julius.

Kari nodded, "You think Aritarg is finished yet?" There was the faint clicking of talons as the question was asked. The deity was walking towards them, covered in--

"Ice cream?"

"I think so," Kari blinked. "I don't think we should let him in Fye."

Lilu couldn't help but grin at the deity from behind her Orange Julius and sitting on the edge of a railing. "I love black dragons," she teased quietly. Then, she grinned outright at him. "I told you they were all out of the stuff."

"SILENCE OR PERISH, MORTAL!" he roared, shaking a talon covered in chocolate syrup at her ominously. 

"Um, Aritarg. Don't kill Lilu," Kari said. "If you do, we're screwed. We can't get home. We'll be stuck in this horrible mall forever."

"What?" Aritarg asked.

Lilu jingled Jenny's keys idly. "I'm the one with the license, dear." 

Aritarg gave her an ominous snarl. Lilu chirped, hopped off the railing, and threw her empty cup away. "Now, because you have gone and destroyed the Dairy Queen/Orange Julius stand, you have to wait out here and not come in the music store. Don't eat any children, please."

Aritarg glared at her mutinously. "Wait until I get back to Indy..." he snarled.

Lilu winked at him, and she and Kari went into the music store.

"I thought you were being good," Kari said, fifteen minutes later. Lilu paged through her seven new CDs. 

"This is good," she said, blinking. "I usually wind up with like, a hundred dollar bill to this store." 

Kari stared at her.

"No, but I neeeeed the music," Lilu whined.

"Where's Aritarg?"

Lilu blinked around. "Uh... Did we lose him? Maybe he went home? He can fly, you know."

"Well, no, really? He has six wings. I wouldn't have ever guessed he could fly with them."

"Does this mean we're going to be in trouble with Indy later?"

Kari smiled. "Don't be silly. I'm sure he's right over there, ominousing little old ladies who think he's a dog." 

Lilu blinked and sounded amazed. "Kip has that very same problem when I take him out." 

"So do several of your dragons," Kari muttered.

Lilu giggled, and Kari poked her lightly before pointing to the Carleton Cards store, which was no longer radiating Cute And Fluffy so much as Ice Cream, Plush Stuffing, and Gore.

"Oh," Lilu said.

"Aritarg!" Kari called. "Don't kill all the Hello Kitties! Just the creepy ones!"

"DIE LITTLE KITTY! YOU DID NOT SAY HELLO TO ME!" 

Lilu almost fell over laughing and was absolutely no help to the situation at all.

"No! Aritarg! That's Cinamonroll!" Kari yelped as she stood outside the door. Meanwhile Lilu was paying her bill while cracking up.

There was a lot of helpless flailing as Aritarg stared at Cinamonroll. "That is NOT a cinamonroll, mortal!"

"That's his name, and he's the only character I can stand. If you kill him--wait did you kill the nice hindi man earlier?"

The deity remained silent for a moment before bellowing, "SILENCE MORTAL!"

"You did...." Kari whimpered. "LILU!"

"Right here, he killed the hindi man, didn't he?"

"PROVE IT!" The deity yelled. Obviously he really wanted Cini minis.

"All we need to do is walk back the way we came," Lilu chirped as the deity nearly facepalmed.

"Shall we see the destruction?" Kari asked as she begain to walk towards the stairs.

"It'll be pretty," Lilu almost purred.

"If Aritarg didn't kill the hindi man, I'll buy us all Cini minis." Kari snerked, that was not very likely.

"Cini.... minis," Aritarg muttered. He was still in the store crushing the head of a Hello Kitty doll in school girl clothing. How poetic. He looked around, the mall was clear, no more humans remained. He cackled evilly, once he was out of the mall he would burn the whole posh-retro-crate factory down.

"Gaaaah," Kari said staring at Orange Julius. "I don't think we'll be able to come back for a while."

"And it looks like no Cini minis for the lot of us," Lilu said with her hands on her hips.

Aritarg growled, "I want my Cini Minis!"

"Maybe if Gratira was here to fix this, but sadly she's not, so you can't have Cini Minis, and no cursing at us, it won't help," Lilu grinned widely, spinning the keys around her index finger.

"I wonder what she's doing since Aritarg went shopping...."

***

Puppy dogs, rainbows, detached wings, sparkles and kittens.


***

"DRIVE FASTER!" Aritarg yelled.

"We can hear you," Kari said face in hands, "It's a fifty speed limit and we're going seventy."

"Fasss--" The bump knocked Aritarg out of his seat, smacking his head against the medium in the car. "MORTAL!"

"Smoother! Yes! Got it, Sir!" Lilu said trying to hit yet another pot hole. Fifty points a piece. Ten bonus if your passengers bang their heads on the roof at the time. Negative five thousand if your axles go out in the process. Driving math. Yummy.

She drove /through/ the pot hole, cackling as Kari tried to dig her nails into Jenny's upholstery. She could only imagine the things Aritarg was doing to stay not put through the windshield in the back. After all. The guy refused to wear a seatbelt. If he felt he was going to kick it by going through Jenny's windshield, well then, so be it.

Then again, he was bishen god of evil, and Jenny was ... evil as a car can be. So, maybe they had an understanding.

There was a loud crash, and a moment of black talons and searing red eyes filled her rearview. "MORTAL!!" 

Or not. 

Lilu couldn't help but turn up her radio, shout along with it, and then pull over when the big red and blue flashing lights came out from an onramp above them.

She turned down her music, on her four-ways, put her hands on the wheel, and looked extremely cute, while opening the glove box on Kari's knee.

"GAH! WARN ME!" Kari flailed.

"Aritarg, hand me my purse without mauling it, please?" Lilu asked, sweet as monkey cake.

Aritarg snarled at her.

"I'll tell Indy to keep you off Cini-minis for a month," she trilled adorably as the cop came out of his car, electronic pad and stylus in hand. Aritarg threw her purse at her, and her license came jostling out, hooked on its brass rings. "Thank yoooou~" 

She rolled down her window, fiddled with her choker, and smiled up at the gorgeous but really really annoyed looking cop. "What can I do you for, officer?" she purred. Buck and a quarter? her brain offered. She stepped on her own foot and smiled more sweetly.

"License and registration, ma'am," he said calmly, immune to her cuteness.

"What seems to be the problem?" she asked, fishing them out.

"Do you have any idea how fast you took that pothole, ma'am?"

About as fast as I would like to take you? her brain offered again. She ground her heel into her toes and smiled up at him. "Seventy-five?" she guessed vaguely. "Enough for an unsafe driving misdemeanor?" I've been a bad, bad girl?

The officer dot-dot-dotted at her. 

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS HOLD-UP, MORTAL!?" Aritarg demanded from the back seat.

"Hush, I'm trying really hard not to flirt with the gorgeous officer," Lilu told him.

"I WILL SMITE THE SO-CALLED GORGEOUS OFFICER FOR DELAYING MY RETURN TO INDY AND THE DELICIOUS EVIL OF CINI-MINIS!"

"Look. ARITARG," Kari snapped, "You need to SHUT UP so Lilu can get her ticket and we can get out of here. Otherwise I will commission a white Hirgyae from Indy, AND I will apply for one of your children with one of my WORST characters. GOT IT?"

"HOW DARE YOU! YOU WOULDN'T--"

"ONE MORE PUSH AND SAY HELLO TO WORSE BLASPHEMY THEN KERDU."

That was debatable. He hissed.

The officer stood there for a few minutes before speaking, slowly and clearly, "I'm going to let you ladies go. However, if you do anything like that again..." He stopped and waved a hand dismissively. He would pretend this never happened and go pick up chicks in the bar when his shift was over. That would make things better.

"... I didn't think he would let us out of that," Lilu said with a happy chirp.

"DRIVE!" Aritarg and Kari shouted simultaneously.

"Geee. Relax, and look on the bright side, Kari! We can play DDR when we get back to my house."

"True," Kari sighed, but was interrupted by smacking her head on the ceiling of the car. "Lilu... you... ugh." Kari gave up and her head collided with the dash board.

"M--"

"NO CINI-MINIS FOR YOU!" Kari said in soup-nazi fashion.

***

"That was a fun day out!" Lilu said while searching for her DDR pads.

Aritarg hissed. DDR, Lilu, Kari, EVERYTHING should be smitten. At least he had returned to Indy and his-- "Where are my French toast sticks?"

Indy shrugged, "Kynadtuli ate them, I think. He said something about them not going to waste."

GARHWOAHOR#U$)!$*). Thought the deity. His brother was a royal pain sometimes. He needed something to smite. He stalked off over to his box, only to find it covered in rainbows, puppy dogs and other sickeningly sweet things. He began to let out all of his pent up rage on the puppies, rainbows and anything else Gratira had decided to redecorate with.

"It looks like he had fun," Indy grinned.

"Next time he goes shopping with us, remember to give Lilu some rules, or something," Kari said rubbing her forehead. Something needed to be checked. How exactly had two Indy minions been lucky enough to take Pure Evil out shopping? "Oh and," Kari's voice lowered to a whisper, "You can't give Aritarg Cini-Minis. Bad Things will happen, and we said that he wasn't getting any for... all the lovely things that he did today."

Maybe they should double check to see if he lit the mall on fire before they left.

"Oh, don't worry. He's not getting any, he's really bad when he has them." Indy blinked, "Well, more so than usual."

Kari shrugged. "Well, if that's the case... I feel less bad about it."

"Yeah," Lilu said, poking the box Aritarg and Gratira inhabited. "Because denying evil deities things is something to feel bad about." Her psychotic half-cracked grin broke out on her face as she continued to poke the box.

"Lilu?" Kari asked.

"I don't think you want to poke that," Indy said, trying not to laugh, and giving Lilu an odd look.

Lilu continued to grin. "I know," she said deviously.

Kari grabbed the back of her choker and hauled on it. "Leave the deities alone," she said.

"Dancedance?" Lilu asked cutely.

"Yes," Kari said, and dragged her off.

Captain Indy giggled as the other two deities, Col d'Tirra and Kynadtuli snuck out from behind her.

"They're weird," Kynadtuli said, staring.

"I like them!" Col d'Tirra said cheerily. "They're a little unbalanced!"

Indy giggled. "So, about that magical object you two started working on..."

And all was right with the world. Indy had help from the sane deities, and Kari got her ass handed to her playing with Lilu in DDR, and Aritarg had something to smite.

The End.

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